Editing Life

In his new book, START, Jon Acuff references 5 stages of adult life.

1. Learning (20s)

2. Editing (30s)

3. Mastering (40s)

4. Harvesting (50s)

5. Guiding (60s)

Although the age groups of these stages are not true for everyone, so far it has been true for my life.  I took my 20s head on and although I will never stop learning, have taken advantage of as many opportunities as possible.  Other than graduating from college and getting a job, I took advantage of nearly every opportunity to get more involved in my school, school district, church, and other personal endeavors.  I worked multiple jobs, developed an incredible network of friends, experienced a lot of really cool stuff, and of course Katy and I welcomed a baby boy into our family.

Well I only have a few days left in my 20s as my 30th birthday is right around the corner.  After this past "crazy season" it is time to do some editing.  How do I know its time?  Because I've had something on my schedule every single evening for the last 9 days.  That doesn't include my day job or being a husband or father!  

So I have begun the editing process.  I'm creating a list of everything I am involved in, all of the roles I play and all of the hats I wear.  There are a lot of good things on this list and I hate to bow out and say no as they are all for a good cause.  But I'm learning that sometimes you have to say no to lot of good things in order to say yes to the best things like leading my wife and young son.

As I've done some editing, I've already taken off 5 hats.  And with each hat that comes off and with each good role I give up, that is extra time I will be able to spend with my family.

Editing your life is an incredibly reflective process and I have learned so much about myself and my priorities.  I still have a long way to go as I have only begun.  Just to be clear, if I could do these things all over again, I probably would.  In fact, I am encouraging others to take my spot.  However, in this particular stage of life, its best to let someone else enjoy these good things while I take advantage and enjoy the best things. 

The Best Things!

What stage are you in?  Do you need to do some editing?  Do you need to give up some good things to have more time for great things?

8 Questions to Guide Date Night Conversations

My wife and I have scheduled date night every week.  It is typically on Wednesday's but we are flexible.  If you're married or plan to be someday, this is one of the best things we have done as a couple for our marriage.  I highly recommend it.  

As we go out to dinner, we can't help but notice multiple couples and families that are sitting at a restaurant without talking.  The couples/families are on their phones, watching the TV, or sometimes staring off into space totally disengaged.  Or sometimes, one person (usually the wife...but not always) is rambling on and dominating the conversation the entire time.  

We decided that we didn't want to be like those examples.  If we have precious time alone together we want to make sure we are making the most of it.  Here are 8 questions that we have found along the way to help guide our conversations during date night.

1. What have you learned this week?
2. What are your highs and lows for this week?  Or specifically today? 
3. Is there any ways I can lighten your load this week? 
4. How are you doing with your goals/resolutions?  If you don't have any, what are some areas in which you want to grow?
5. Has God been speaking to you or showing you something lately? 
6. What are you most excited about during this upcoming season of our lives?
7. What are you most anxious about for this upcoming season of our lives?
8. How can I pray for you this week?

I like these questions because the answers always change.  You can keep this list on your phone and ask two or three each and every week.  Katy and I usually only get to ask 2 questions because they each spark thought, explanation, and more questions.

Notice that none of these questions are about work, kids, or current events.  It is natural to have conversations about these 3 areas but the goal for date night is for you to talk to and about each other.

Here is deal.  If you've been married, dating, or together for a few years you may have a tendency to think you know everything there is to know about your spouse.  But as humans our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and experiences change.  Stop assuming you know everything about your spouse and ask some questions to get to know one another again.  

Do you have a date night with your spouse?  How do you keep the conversation fresh?

Love Doesn't Keep Score

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

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As new parents, my wife and I change LOTS of diapers.  Approximately 100 diapers a week! Our son is a peeing machine and he absolutely hates wet diapers.  Whether they are dirty or just wet (more like drenched)  it is easy to want to keep score and think, I changed the last 5 so now it's your turn!

The same could be said for the washing of bottles.  I mean he only eats 6 bottles a day but it seems like bottle washing is never ending.  After a long day's work to come home to a sink filled with bottles I have to fight my first reaction of I just cleaned these bottles yesterday and the 37 days before that!  It's someone else's turn!

I forget.  I forget that Love doesn't keep score.  I forget that Love changes all the diapers in the world because I have the privilege of having a healthy child.  I forget that Love washes bottles every single time because it's to feed a healthy growing boy and help out an amazing Mom that produces the milk that goes in the bottles.

Love doesn't keep track of how many times you take the trash out, vacuum, fold laundry, cook dinner, or wash the car.  Love doesn't point out who makes more, works more, or does more.  Love just does.  Love helps.  Love serves without expecting anything in return.

It is very hard for me not to keep score but now I do it differently.  Now I play to win.  My wife doesn't know that we are playing but I try to see who can change the most diapers, who can wash the most bottles, and who can serve more.  Even though she doesn't know I'm keeping score or that we are even playing, she is still winning!  But in the grand scheme of things there is a lot of time left in the game so I predict a comeback!

Love never fails...we do.  Stop keeping score.  Love doesn't do that.  Make an effort to help and serve as much as you can without expecting anything in return.  



This is the sixth blog post in a series titled Love Never Fails.  This series is based on the premise that Love never fails but we as humans do.  If you haven't already please check out the previous 5 posts on Love by clicking on "Love Never Fails" on the left side of the screen or simply scroll down to view previous posts.  Although this is the sixth post in this series, this topic sparked the entire series.

Back to the Basics

In the movie Hoosiers, the new basketball coach of Milan High School has some interesting strategies.  The first few days of practice Coach Dale (Gene Hackman) has his players practice without the ball.  This is strange if you think about it and it even looks funny in the movie as players run around without the main object needed to play the game.

After Coach Dale feels like the players have that down, he allows them to use the ball but does not allow them to shoot.  Again, this seems a little odd as the goal of basketball is to put the ball in the basket more than the other team.  

Although his tactics were uncommon, Coach Dale simply believed in developing strong fundamentals.

There are some restaurants that have a unique philosophy when to comes to training their staff.  Everyone that works there must begin by bussing tables.  Cooks, hosts, servers, and managers all start by cleaning tables and washing dishes.  

Upper Management believes this approach gives all staff a better understanding of how the restaurant works, increasing communication, teamwork and a sense of pride.

As a new Dad, I've noticed that God's coaching tactics and management are similar when it comes to parenting.  Our sons and daughters all arrive with the same basic needs of food, shelter, love and diaper changing.  They come into the world with crying as their only form of communication and although one could argue, it takes a while for them to be able to express love back.

It's as if God developed this system to reinforce what he wants from us in the world.  If only we would clue in and go back to the basics of whole heartedly serving others and expecting nothing in return. When we get that down, we can then build on that foundation and learn some new skills or take on a new role.  

I don't know about you, but I have some more practicing to do.  

Love Isn't Easily Angered

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is not easily angered.  

Notice how it doesn't say love is never angry.  It says love isn't easily angered. Anger doesn't have to be a bad thing.  Some great things have come from angry people like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, Martin Luther, and the maker TOMS shoes.  These people aren't remembered for their anger, but rather what they did with it.  Dr. King used his anger to fight for equal rights, Martin Luther used his anger to start the Protestant Church, and the maker of TOMS shoes has given hundreds of thousands of shoes to kids that are normally barefoot.

For me personally, I'm pretty cool, calm, and collected.  I'm pretty laid back, don't get mad about much and I do my best to never overreact.  But when I hear stories about husbands and fathers that are either mistreating their wives or kids or simply not stepping up and leading their families it infuriates me!  Passive husbands that don't passionately love and pursue their wives and absent fathers that leave single moms, schools, churches, peers, and TV to raise their kids because they aren't man enough to take responsibility absolutely make my blood boil!  (My heart rate is going up as I type this!)  Instead of telling these men what I think about them or trying to pick a fight with them, I use my anger to write this blog about what I am learning in the areas of husbandry and fatherhood.  I teach a class at church about how to become men of courage.  I make every effort to model for my high school students at school what it looks like to be a husband and a father.  And with each negative story I hear about a failing father or husband it refuels my passion for my wife and son that much more.  (Okay.  That was a rant.  Deep breath.)

Unfortunately many people use their anger to hurt others, to belittle, to feel powerful, or to break relationships.  It's pretty obvious that love doesn't do any of those things.  Love isn't disrespectful.  Love doesn't cuss people out.  Love doesn't give the bird in traffic.  Love isn't rude to people over the phone...even to customer service.  Love doesn't physically or verbally abuse.  Love doesn't intimidate or harass.  Yet people do these things every single day to people, even people that they say they "love".  No wonder people don't know what true love is.

Love listens and responds respectfully.  Love thinks before it speaks or acts.  Love is approachable, understanding, and welcoming.  Love may get angry but it uses anger to make a positive difference in the world.

Love never fails...we as people do.

What makes you angry?  How do you use your anger?

Love Isn't Selfish

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor other, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is not selfish.  Each of these three traits of love have something in common. Boastful people, prideful people, and self-seeking people consistently put themselves before others.  This comes out in their words, thoughts, and actions.  Their conversations are about them.  Their decisions benefit them.  Even their good deeds ultimately benefit them as they may expect something in return.  Boastful and prideful people are often referred to as cocky, conceited, arrogant, or egotistical.

Love does not boast, is not proud, and is not self-seeking.  You cannot fully and truly love someone if you think you are better than them or if you always put your interests ahead of others.

Here are some reflection questions to ask yourself to see if you're self-seeking in a family setting.

1. Does your family always eat where you want to eat?
2. Do you watch whatever you want to watch on TV?
3. Do you vacation wherever you want to vacation?
4. Do you dominate conversations?
5. Do your hobbies and activities take up more of the household budget than other's hobbies?
6. Is your weekend and free time spent doing what you want to do or what others in your family like to do?
7. Do you talk more than you listen?
8. Do you ask your spouses or kids opinion on decisions that affect the whole family?
9. Do you think your side of the family is better than your spouses side of the family?

If you answered yes to 3 or more of these little issues, chances are they will or maybe already have become a bigger issue.  Love doesn't do any of these things because love doesn't boast, isn't prideful, and isn't self-seeking.

Love never fails...we do.  We have to stop giving love a bad name and start fully loving our families and others.

Love Does Not Envy

This is the third post in a series titled Love Never Fails.  The series is based on the scripture about love in 1 Corinthians Chapter 13.  It is based on the premise that although we have all been heartbroken, lonely, used and abused by people that "love" us, love never actually fails...humans do.  We are the ones that fail because we do not properly and fully love.

Envy is defined as a resentful emotion that occurs when a person lacks another's quality, achievement, or possession and wishes the other lacked it.

After reading that definition it is clear that not only is it true that Love does not envy, it is impossible to both Love and be envious at the same time.  We cannot have a resentful emotion and love at the same time.  We cannot wish that someone else did not have a certain possession, quality, or achievement while still truly loving them.  After all, envy is one of the seven deadly sins (yes it is a sin) and the 10th commandment.

People often confuse admiration and envy as they start out very similar.  If you admire someone you notice a quality that you like.  Perhaps you admire someone's car, clothes, physique, or personality trait.   This is completely normal and I hope that you have people in your life that you admire or look up to.  I believe it is necessary for personal growth.

However, if you're not careful that admiration can quickly turn into envy.  The person that you admired you begin to resent.  You may still admire their physique but you hope they gain some weight because if you can't have the body you want, no one should.  The positive personality you once admired in someone you now wish to make their life miserable because if you aren't happy then you don't want them happy either.

Here is what it can look like in a marriage or serious relationship. You're glad that your husband loves his job.  You wish you loved yours.  After a while, you get sick and tired of how happy he is and what difference he is making while you come home every day lacking purpose and feeling miserable.  Eventually you don't want to hear another word about his stupid fulfilling job because if you hate your job, he should hate his to!

Your wife is a stay at home Mom.  You both decided it was best for your kids so you picked up some extra shifts and/or responsibilities at work to make this financially possible.  After a while, you become envious of your wife's relationship with your kids.  You resent the fact that she gets to stay at home while you are off working extra hard at your job, so much so that you want her to go back to work because if you can't be home and have a great relationship with your kids then she shouldn't get to either!

Or it could even look like this.  Your wife becomes envious of another lady's body.  It bothers her so much that she is determined to look better than her so she joins a gym and begins fanatically working out and going health crazy.  She now works out twice a day and eats like a rabbit for the sole purpose of looking better than this particular lady, putting your marriage and kids on the back burner.  The same can be said of a husband chasing the success of a fellow businessman.

No one would choose to feel this way towards someone that you love.  Envy is not a desirable trait.  But somehow it creeps in over time and if you're not careful, it will keep you from being able to fully love your spouse.  I wonder how many marriages have ended in divorce because of envy?

How do I know if I'm envious?  Well that's a great question and although it is easy to spot in others, it is very hard to see in the mirror.  Start by answering these few questions.

1.  Is there someone that is successful that I want to fail?
2.  Is there someone with a positive trait that I secretly wish they would lose?
3.  In what areas of life am I unhappy?  Am I okay with others being happy in these areas?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions chances are envy is creeping in your heart.

So what can I do about it?  Here are 2 ways to attack envy.

1. Ask God to reveal to you which situations and people you may be the source of your envy.
2.  Pray specifically for those people and the qualities you are envious of on a daily basis.  (It is difficult to wish ill will upon someone you are praying for.)

Do not let envy creep into your marriage or any area of your life.  Love never fails...we do.  Do not fail your spouse or kids and give love a bad name because you allowed yourself to be overcome with envy.

If you found the post helpful or know someone who would please like it on facebook, retweet it on Twitter, or share it with a friend.  Thanks for reading!

Love Is Patient

This is the second post in a series of blogs based on 1 Corinthians Chapter 13.  It is based on the premise that love never fails but we do.  The good news is that we are given a list of best practices on how to love so that we stop giving love a bad name.

"Love is patient, love is kind."

Are you patient?  When your husband gets home late from work or your wife is late getting dressed and ready do you display patience or annoyance?  When you are trying to teach your kids to be potty-trained, how to behave, or how to speak respectfully do you do so with patience or frustration?  When the line is long at Wal-Mart because the cashier is waiting on a price check, when traffic on I-35 is backed up because some selfish numskull decides to wait until the last minute to merge right even though there have been warning signs for miles, or when your students keep asking you the same questions even though you have already explained the instructions dozens of times, are you patient?

If not, that isn't love because love is patient.  Not only do our actions have to show it but our facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice must reflect that of patience in order to truly display love.

You might be thinking to yourself, I'm not trying to love the cashier at Wal-Mart or the crazy drivers on the constant work zone known as I-35.  I'm not going to play the Golden Rule card here but I will say that practice makes perfect.  The more opportunities you get to display patience, the more patient you will become and can be to those you love.

Kindness falls right in line with patience.  Chances are if you are patient you are also kind.  Inversely, unkind people are typically impatient people.  Kindness and patience go hand in hand and like patience, kindness shows up in facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language.  Again, if you aren't displaying patience or kindness then you aren't displaying love.  You are failing in love and love is getting a bad name.

Here are a few tips that have helped me become more patient.  *Disclaimer:  These tips only work if you actually try them.

1. Ask multiple close friends, family, and co-workers if people would consider you to be an impatient person.  (If you don't like their answer, use this as an opportunity to display patience.)

2. Pray and ask God for opportunities to practice being patient.  (You will get plenty of them.)

3. When sensing the urge to become impatient, think of something that this situation is making possible.      Example...Traffic can mean more quality time with family, ability to make some phone calls (hands free of course), time to jam out to some tunes or enjoy an audiobook.

4. Ask your friends, family, or co-workers to kindly tell you when you are becoming impatient so you can develop new habits.

5. Enjoy some quiet with no distractions.  Practice patience for 10 minutes on your porch, in your car at lunch, or in your favorite chair without technology, people, or other distractions.

6.  Comment on others when you see them displaying patience to remind you of the habit you want to develop.

Love never fails...we do.  We cannot truly and correctly love if we choose not to be patient.  The only way for us to get better at loving is by practicing love and all of its characteristics.  Practice patience and begin to thrive in the area of love.

If this post challenged you in the area of patience or you think it would be helpful for someone else to read, please like it or share it on facebook or retweet on Twitter.  Thanks!

How have you learned to grow in the areas of patience and kindness?

Love Never Fails

This is one of the most popular scriptures in the Bible. I think people like it because it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.  All or parts of this scripture can be heard in wedding ceremonies, seen in home decor, found all over Pinterest, and even tattooed on some folks.  

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor other, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I hate to be the one that brings this up but love fails all the time.  Just ask nearly half of the people that hear that scripture at their wedding only to end up in divorce.  Ask anyone that has experienced heartbreak for one reason or another and they will certainly tell you that love does in fact fail.  Find anyone that is lonely, depressed, unforgiven, outcast, or oppressed and ask them if love ever fails.  I can speak from past experience of not being able to eat or sleep because love failed.

So what's the problem?  If the Bible says that love never fails and the Beatles say that all you need is love then how does love keep messing up?

Well, it doesn't.  Love doesn't mess up.  We do.  Love can't be right or wrong as it has no ability to make decisions.  Just like Bon Jovi said, "you (and I) give love a bad name."  Love isn't impatient, unkind, envious, boastful, dishonoring, or selfish.  But you and I can be.  Love doesn't get mad easily, keep record of wrongs, or delight in evil.  But you and I can do those things without even thinking about it due to our human nature.  In this case, it would be appropriate to be mad at the messenger because the message of love has never changed.

We need to stop putting the blame on love and start taking responsibility for our actions.  In the paraphrased words of Clint Black, "Love isn't something that we're in or a place that we fall.  Love is something that we do."  You "fell" in love because you put forth effort to pursue your mate.  You "fell" out of love because the newness wore off and you stopped pursuing them and made efforts elsewhere.   Love is simply an innocent bystander.

Well if love is something that we do, then how do we do it?  That is a great question and the answer can be found right there in the scripture.  Scroll back up and read it again.

In an attempt to help husbands, wives, friends, and families better love each other I would like to write a series of posts with some practical ways to display love based on the biblical principles in 1 Corinthians 13.  If you find it helpful, please like it on Facebook, retweet it on Twitter, or share it however you like.

Love never fails...we do!

6 Thoughts On Being A New Dad

Today is Beau Bradley's 3 month birthday!  What an amazing adventure it has been so far.  He has nearly doubled his weight, gone through over 1,300 diapers (seriously...we are keeping track), peed and pooped all over multiple people (sorry about that), grown out of dozens of clothes, found his hands, rolled over, cried himself to sleep, figured out how to talk (aka make random noises), and smiles at anyone who will talk to him.  I must admit that it's been much more enjoyable than I expected.

People often ask me what I think about being a Dad.  It is one of those questions that I have so many answers to that I often don't know which one to pick, causing me to simply answer, "Its good."  So let me pick a few.

Here are 6 answers to the question, "Hey Brett, what it's like being a Dad?"

1. I'm enjoying it earlier than I expected.  Don't get me wrong, I knew I would enjoy fatherhood but I didn't think I really would until Beau was able to walk and talk.  To my surprise, we have already learned how to communicate with each other and even though we can't run around and play catch we still have fun and play together everyday.  (Mostly just making faces and noises, rolling around on my chest, playing tug of war, and trying to make him laugh.)

2. It's expensive.  After you get past the hospital bills, you pretty much get nickeled and dimed (and sometimes "Benjamined") on a weekly basis.  Diapers, wipes, bottles, clothes, safety stuff, and toys add up very quickly.  Formula is ridiculously expensive!  When it comes to minor medical supplies just know that if its for a baby its probably double the price for less than half of the product.  Borrow, share, and use hand me downs as much as you can!

3. It's exhausting.  When I am home alone with Beau I thought I would be able to just sit him next to me while I read or do some work on my computer.  Wrong!  I've learned even 3 month old babies rarely just sit there and do nothing.  And in the moments that they do, you have to clean and fill the bottles, take out the never ending trash, restock diapers and wipes, or just sit and take a break!  Not to mention all the other stuff that my wife does like the laundry, food production, cleaning, and countless things that I don't even know about.  Being a parent is a constant job and I'm so thankful for the greatest tag-team partner in my wife Katy.

4. It has caused me to reevaluate and re-prioritize.   There are so many things that I used to do that I don't do anymore.  For example, I was pretty social media savvy using facebook and Twitter on the regular.  I may go days or even weeks without checking them, other than to post a picture for my family to see.  It has caused me to put things at work into perspective and truly ask myself what I think should be the best use of my time.  This is an ongoing process and I have just begun.

5. I am now able to experience love in a whole new way.  That statement is somewhat self explanatory but I'll elaborate on this more in a future post.

6. Five years of marriage was the right amount of time to wait before having a baby.  I'm not trying to persuade you to make certain decisions but for Katy and I, 5 years was the perfect amount of time.  We were able to build a solid family foundation consisting of faith, love, trust, memories, experiences, finances, and support systems.  Would we have been able to make it if we had a baby sooner?  I'm sure we would have made it.  If we would have waited a few more years I'm sure that would have been just fine too.  But 5 years (almost to the day) is what we needed for our family.  You and your family may ideally require more or less time than that.

Happy 3 month Birthday Beau Bradley!  I'm excited for the months, years, decades, and even seconds to come!

How did you feel when you became a new parent?

The Gap

I have been blessed to be married to my wonderful Bride for just over 5 years!  It has been quite the adventure.  I never knew our life together could be this fun and it seems to keep getting better as the days go by.  Among other things, we enjoy sharing life with our friends.  We are fortunate to get to do this on a regular basis since we still live in the same town where we attended college.  This makes it easy because we already have a connection with everyone that stays around when they graduate.

Unfortunately, we are growing into that life stage where quite a few of our friends are considering divorce.  Just this past week we heard of 3 couples that have separated.  Most of the time it is surprising but sometimes you can see it coming.  The reasons differ.  Adultery, incompatibility, abuse, personality changes, just to name a few.  Regardless of the reason, I would argue that the number one cause of divorce is the gap. (not the store...although I did work there in college and its the only place I buy my jeans)

Disappointment is the gap between expectation and reality.  Here are a few examples:

1.  If you are expecting dinner when you get home from work and the reality is it is not there, you may be disappointed.  

2.  If you are expecting a romantic evening alone with your spouse and reality is you instead have to stay home by yourself and watch the kids while your spouse is out with friends, you may be disappointed.

3.  If you are expecting "relations" on a regular basis and the reality is that it is far from regular, you may become disappointed.  

On their own, each of these issues isn't really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  However, when you begin to internalize it time after time, they can pile up very quickly and that gap becomes bigger and bigger.  Or if you address the issue by nagging or sarcastically commenting each time the gap becomes bigger, trust is lost, and a wall begins to be built.

The best way to combat the gap is by developing open communication and setting clear expectations, both of which take a tremendous amount of trust.  

I believe one of the reasons my wife and I are growing closer each day and not drifting apart is because of our efforts to prevent the gap from existing.  The conversations seemed awkward at first but so does everything the first time you try it.  We called them "lets be real" conversations.  We prepared our answers ahead of time to the following questions:

-Is there anything I have said or done that has made you hurt, upset, embarrassed, or unsupported?  -If so, what could I do differently in the future to make sure it doesn't happen again?

-What do you want me to stop doing, keep doing, and do more of?

The thing about these questions is that you both must agree to answer them ahead of time and you must be willing to genuinely listen to their response without becoming defensive or angry.  At first we agreed to have the conversations on the 13th of every month (our anniversary).  But our conversations went so well that we didn't want to wait a month so we decided to have them every week.  Then, we figured out it was better to just tell the each other (at an appropriate time...not during  a sporting event or while pinteresting) anytime we felt the need.  Currently, we continue to practice this and also discuss expectations for the week, events, caring for our son, or anything else that we have expectations for.  

Here is one example of how it plays out in many different ways.  

Expectation:  I expect to be home from work at 4pm today.

Reality #1: I get home from work at 4pm or earlier.  Everyone is happy.  Trust is built.  No gap.

Reality #2: Something comes up but I know we have discussed our expectation of being home from work at 4 so I know it is important for me to contact Katy to say that although I expected to be home at 4pm it is looking more like 6pm.  I ask if there is anything I can do to make up for this inconvenience?  Expectation is not met but because it was communicated ahead of time the gap is much smaller.

Reality #3: I don't get home until 6pm without any heads up.  Katy is mad because I am 2 hours late, dinner is cold, and I have disrespected her time by not contacting her.  Now I'm mad because I had to stay late at work and come home to an angry, nagging wife who makes sarcastic comments about me always working late and never communicating.  Expectation is not met. Gap is created.  Trust decreased.  Both are genuinely upset about something minor that could have been prevented but since this is the 150th time it causes a yelling match or the silent treatment.

The secret to this concept is that every time expectation and reality are the same, trust is built.  Likewise, each time there is a gap, trust is broken.  You may have previous gaps to close or bridges to build and that is a whole different conversation.  Start today by sitting down with your spouse and developing clear expectations so that trust is built and the gap no longer appears in the first place.

Praying for those that are struggling in their marriage!

GET TO!

In the 6 weeks that I have been a father, there have been a couple of days that Beau has be my solely my responsibility.  One time Katy had a staph infection and another time she had a nasty stomach bug and we wanted to do everything in our power to make sure neither spread to our newborn son.  At first I would have said that I HAD to do everything but after experiencing those days I would say that I GOT to do everything.

On those days I was responsible for every diaper change, feeding, bottle washing, bath time, nap time, wardrobe change, and so much more that I don't even remember because it was such a blur.  Dads usually don't have this opportunity quite so early on.  Then throw on top of that the household chores such as laundry, dishes, cleaning, and cooking and you could say I caught a glimpse into the realm of motherhood and now have a greater understanding and appreciation of the constant care that goes into raising a newborn child.  

The reason I say I GOT to do those things is I was also there for every smile, coo, snuggle, funny face, new sound, crawling attempt, and so much more that I would not have missed for the world! Although I never would have picked these few days of flying solo, I am completely beyond blessed to have experienced them.  More than anything, it made me realize the importance of working together as a team on this parenting thing.  I refuse to passively leave it up to her like so many fathers do these days.

Dads, make the effort to find new ways to help your wife with the kids this week.  Any help will make a difference.  Teamwork makes the dream work!

Balance

I almost had it.  I felt like it was in my grasp.  After 29 years of life, 12 years of school, 4.5 years of college, 5 years of marriage, 6 years in the professional world, 2 years of graduate school, and lots of learning along the way I almost felt like my life was balanced.

When I speak of balance I mean the ability to have all of the aspects of life work in harmony with one another.  Routines, habits, work, worship, play, friends, family, exercise, hobbies, and all of the other side roles we play fall into place and work nicely with one another.  

And then we had a baby.  In our opinion, the cutest baby on the planet.  And once sweet little Beau Bradley came into our lives we were back out of balance, in the best way possible.  

Through prayer, reading books, listening to sermons, speaking with mentors, and listening to those with more experience, I'm learning to be unbalanced.  Or maybe I should say I'm learning to balance fewer things.  I'm learning to balance being a Husband, Father, & Educator and let everything else fall into place in one way or another.

I've been learning through many avenues how to let go.  I can only control so much and in the grand scheme of things I really don't have control of anything anyway.  

I know who holds tomorrow and I know it's never me.

Are you balanced?  Should you be?

5 Parts of a Great Date

How often do you and your wife go on a date?  With a typical busy American schedule these days I would guess not enough.  Well your schedule isn't going to open up anytime soon so you're going to need to schedule a date and quit waiting for an open evening.  If its been too long, here are the 5 simple steps to planning a date with your wife. 

1.  Research.  You must know your wife.  You have to know what she wants, likes, needs, etc.  Does she like surprises?  Does she need to know ahead of time?  Does she like to dress up or keep it casual?  Does she new experiences or old favorites?  These are all things that you need to learn, relearn, and continue to learn as you pursue her.  Research also includes date, time, childcare, transportation, cost, payment, etc...

2. The Ask. So you've decided on a cool, fun, romantic, date idea.  Great. Now take it to the next level by asking her on a date in a cool, unique, fun, romantic way.  Write a poem or a love note.  Make an invitation.  Leave a note on her mirror, drawer, or pillow.  Hand deliver a hand made card with a sonic drink at work.  Whatever it is, ask her in a way that you do not normally communicate. 

3. The Main Course.  Basically every date revolves around a meal.  This could be breakfast, lunch, or dinner.  Whatever works best for HER schedule. Saturday morning brunch can be just as romantic as Friday night dinner.  The main course also means meaningful conversation.  The best way to have meaningful conversation is to listen more than you talk.  The best way to listen more than you talk is by asking open ended questions.  Here are a few questions that I dare you to ask:  What do you like most about work?  What challenges are you facing at work?  How can I pray for you this week?  Has God been teaching you anything lately?  What are some ways that I can better serve you?  Who have been some spiritual mentors in your life?  What is one way you think I can improve as a father/husband?  As you can see, these questions are meaningful and you better be prepared for the answers.  Your goal is not to justify your actions but to gather information.  Take notes if you need to.

4.  The Activity. All dates should also include doing something other than eating.  The best is a walk in the park, lake, or scenic area.  It could be something she likes to do, has always wanted to do, or has talked about doing.  It should NOT be a movie, play, or other form of entertainment that doesn't allow talking unless you do something after. 

5. The End. The end of the date is equally as important as the beginning.  Recap how you liked spending quality time with her and specifically what you enjoyed about the date.  Take a moment to ask her out again and schedule another date within the next 2 weeks so you will have something to look forward to.  If you want to improve your marriage you are going to have to actively pursue your wife!!!



Whatever you decide to do, Be intentional.  Your date does not have to be fancy or cost a lot of money but it does need to be well thought out.  It is perfectly acceptable to be cheesy.  Ask her in a love note or poem.  Plan a 3 course meal at 3 different locations.  Make her an invitation.  Go on a picnic.  Have a theme.  Whatever it is, it can't be what you normally do.

There are billions of ideas online by simply googling date night ideas but the best ones are the ones that you create. 

Here is a link to a short article about how to talk to your wife on a date. Questions for your wife. 

The time you normally spend on Facebook, checking box scores, reading the news, playing Solitaire or Temple Run, or however your normally waste those short moments of down time, needs to be spent figuring out how you're going to sweep her off of her feet.

It's A...

This past week was our first ultrasound.  We were able to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  First of all, can I just say that ultrasounds are unbelievable!  The first thing we noticed was the spine.  It was so clear and developed.  Baby Bradley was moving around a lot so we got to see both arms and legs, hands and feet, in full motion.  Thanks to some good advice, Katy at some fruit before going into the ultrasound which apparently gets the baby going.  We were even able to see the heartbeat and the 4 chambers of the heart.  Not only could we see the head but also parts of the brain.  It was crazy!!  And to think we were able to see all of this when the baby is only about 10 inches long.  All because of some ultra sound waves?  Whoever came up with that idea is pure genius.  

We decided ahead of time that we were going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  However, we also decided that we wanted to find out while we were alone and not with some random lady in the room. (although Molly was very nice)  So, we had a piece of paper that said "It's A..." inside of an envelope and gave it to the nurse so we could find out later that day.  She was very understanding and willing.  As you can see, we both wore blue and pink as not to show bias.

Immediately after the appointment, Katy and I went to a park that was right down the street from the hospital.  We were pretty excited and giddy.  It was a beautiful day so we walked around the small park for a minute and decided to stop and open the envelope on a bridge.  Just like we prayed together before taking and looking at the pregnancy test, we prayed before opening the envelope.  We thanked God for an opportunity to raise His son or daughter.  We prayed that our hearts would be 100% full of joy regardless of the baby's gender.  We prayed that we would be able to raise them to become world changers and leaders of their generation.  

So there we were on a bridge, in a park, with an envelope.  I have no idea why we were nervous but we were.  I felt like we were at the Grammy's and opening our envelope....which is weird because we truly believe we would have won regardless of the outcome.  I asked Katy if she wanted me to open the envelope fast or slow...you know like peeling off a band-aid.  She said fast.  So I took the little green envelope.  Opened it fast.  And it read "It's a...BOY!" 

A BOY!?!  Due to the Stewart and Bradley family track records we were both expecting it to be a girl.  Katy still can't believe it.  I've had a feeling that we were going to have a boy but it was just a feeling.  My brother in laws said congratulations but will only believe it's a boy when he is born.  I must say I don't blame them.  

After finding out, we celebrated by going to the mall and buying our first official baby outfit.  We were looking for something Nike but found this Jordan outfit instead.  We celebrated with dinner at PF Changs and then called all of our immediate family.  The were thoroughly excited!

Thanks again for all of your prayers.  We appreciate them more than you know!  We can now start saying he and him rather than it.  We are over half way there!

Now if we could only decide on a name.... 

Go Away!

My Baby Momma :)

As of this week Katy has been with child for 17 weeks.  Either her nausea is improving or she is learning to deal with it better.  Probably a little bit of both.  She is beginning to show in most of her clothes.  The more she begins to show, the more I am beginning to understand the reality of what is about to happen.

We are in the stage of our life where lots of our friends and family are having children.  In fact, within the past year, over 10 of our closest friends and family have had or will have a baby!  That is absurd.  Thankfully, we are able to ask them questions, observe, learn, and figure out how to best enjoy the next 5 months before Baby Bradley makes his/her grand entrance.  Most of the time, without even having to ask, new parents will tell you, "Enjoy your time while you can because once your baby arrives you don't have any more free time for the two of you."  Now I like challenges so I'm all about trying to figure out ways to have free time once our child arrives.  But for now, we are taking their collective advice and enjoying our time together while we can.  

Over the next few months, I have planned a few trips for Katy and I.  They are not outlandish, expensive, fancy, or even long.  The purpose of these trips is to get away, relax, make memories, and simply spend time together.  We are currently in Hot Springs, AR and have barely left our room.  We have been reading, playing games, working a puzzle, talking about our future, listening to parenting podcasts, walking around in nature, exploring downtown, drinking the famous spring water, etc.  Just enjoying our time together.  

Some might think, "I can do all of those things at home.  Why spend the gas and room money?"  Valid question.  I can only answer for us, but when we are at home there is always something else that we can do to keep us from fully enjoying our time together such as laundry, cleaning, home improvement, work, etc.  Although it is possible to relax at home, there is something extra-relaxing about getting away.  It doesn't have to be a beach, a mountain, a major city, or a cruise.  It doesn't have to be expensive (comparatively speaking...we brought our own food, entertainment, and only brought sweats, t-shirts, and hoodies to deter us from going to nice places).  The only requirement is to be away from distractions.  

As I said earlier, the more Katy's "baby bump" begins to show, the more I realize what is about to unfold.  As an expecting father, there isn't much I can do to directly help develop my child at this point.   What I can do is serve Katy by providing opportunities for us to deepen our relationship and strengthen our marriage so that when our world is turned upside down our foundation is extremely solid and we are as prepared as possible.  Husbands, as the leader of your family, purposely save up some money, strategically take a few days off, and make it a priority to get away with your wife to deepen your relationship and strengthen your marriage.

Although we haven't had a baby to be able to officially give the advice to others, after 2 nights I must say that this was an extremely wonderful decision.  Thank you to everyone who gave the advice of enjoying time together as a couple while we still can...or at least while it's easier.  

Morning Sickness

Morning sickness is common during pregnancy.  As it turns out, morning sickness doesn't always happen in the morning.  Although sometimes tired, Katy feels pretty good during the day.  Then 5 o'clock rolls around and the nausea kicks in, pretty much without fail.  I must say that she's been super tough.  She rarely complains, simply stating "It just means there's a healthy baby in there."  


I can't even imagine what it must feel like to be pregnant.  You're hungry but you can't eat certain things.  You're nauseous so you don't want to eat but you have to.  If you're sick you can't take much medicine.  You're senses are extremely heightened like a superhero. (Katy can smell things like a bloodhound.) You're eating, sleeping, drinking, and breathing for 2.  All these changes are going on inside your body all of the sudden.  It sounds like a mixture of going through puberty and having the flu.


As her husband and baby's daddy, my goal is to serve, support and encourage Katy as much as possible.  I'm trying to find the balance between challenging her and caring for her.  Both are important, but at different times and settings.  All things considered, I'd say she is doing great and already being a great Mom to Baby Bradley.  Thank you for your prayers during this amazing journey!

What ways can a husband best support his wife during pregnancy?  
Please leave an answer in a comment below.

The Best Way to Improve Your Marriage

What is the best way to improve your marriage?  

A friend of mine recently asked me this question.  First of all, I was flattered that he thought I would even know the answer to that question.  Thankfully, it is a question I have asked many men that I admire as husbands.  I have read books and blogs on marriage, heard sermons and lectures on marriage, and studied the marriages of couples that I admire and respect.  Combining all of that wonderful information, there is one answer that stands out above all the others.  There is one thing that I have seen work in the lives of others and have personally experienced in my own life.  Do you want to know what it is?

Before I tell you, I must say when I first heard the answer I didn't like it.  The answer seems frustrating and impractical.  It seemed totally Sunday School.  However, I can only speak from my experience and say that the answer could not be more true.

The best way to improve your marriage is to improve your relationship with God.  It's a frustrating answer.  I told you it would be.  I mean how can you improve on something by working on something else?  It just doesn't seem logical.  I thought it would be something practical like spend more time together, do nice things for each other, or even something spiritual like pray together.  Nope.  All of those things are good and I highly recommend them but they are all byproducts of pursuing God.

God is Love.  God created Love.  We wouldn't know what Love looked like if it wasn't for God's demonstrations of Love.  Therefore, the more we seek the Creator of Love, the more we will be able to understand what it means to Love and the better we will be able to Love our spouse and improve our marriage.

Want a better relationship with your spouse?  Seek a deeper relationship with God.  I wish I could explain more but you'll just have to experience it for yourself.  I wasn't a believer until my pursuit of God became greater than the pursuit of my wife.  Here are 3 things that strengthened my pursuit of God:

Pray daily that God would fill you with the desire to seek Him.  Although I wanted it, I didn't naturally have the desire to consistently seek God.  I got tired of trying to be disciplined enough and tired of trying to make myself seek God.  After many bouts of frustration I gave up trying to be disciplined and asked God to fill me with the desire to seek Him. 

Read His word consistently.  The Bible is full of Divine Wisdom and the book of Proverbs is a good place to start.  Commit to read a Chapter of Proverbs everyday for a month.  Also, the Bible App youversion.com is available on all smart phones as well as the internet.  There are dozens of plans to help you get started.  Check it out the free Bible app here.

Find your Purpose.  There is an abundance of joy, passion, and peace when you are doing what you are created to do.  Books like The Purpose Driven Life and Chazown are great tools to help discover a greater purpose for your life.  In fact, you can even go through the Chazown Experience online, in a class, or with your small group.  It is a great tool to help discover your purpose.

It is amazing how my relationship with my wife has developed as my relationship with God has developed.  My prayer is that you will have the same experience.

What is the best thing that has improved your marriage?

I Love My Wife!

To help celebrate my wife Katy's birthday, here are the top 10 reasons I love my wife!

10.  I love her competitive nature.  She was the basketball player that dove for loose balls and never stopped hustling.  Just today she wanted to see if we could clean the bedroom during one commercial just to see if we could.  I love that!

9.  I love her simple nature.  Katy is the opposite of high maintenance.  She is so grateful for everything that she has and does not take anything for granted.

8.  I love her financial discipline.  She does everything she can to save our family money and prepare for the future.  Whether its clipping coupons, buying generic brands, shopping at ROSS & TJ Max, keeping our family budget, or always splitting an entree at restaurants, she is putting her MBA to good use in our family.


7.  I love her encouragement.  Regardless of the situation, Katy always builds me up with her words.  She makes me feel more confident and know I am a better man because of her encouragement.  This isn't reserved just for me.  Katy writes encouraging notes, sends encouraging texts, makes encouraging calls, etc. to as many people as she can and it makes such a difference.


6.  I love her servant's heart.  Katy is always serving someone in some way.  She has an eye for it.  She naturally looks for ways that she can help people and does it without waiting to be asked.  I have never seen someone serve with such a positive attitude.

Courtesy of Michelle Meisner Photograpy

5.  I love her leadership.  I get the opportunity to see Katy to lead many college students at SNU.  She leads by example, always modeling the behavior she expects of her staff.  She is loving but firm, relaxed but serious, sweet but straight-forward.  I learn from her leadership.


4.  I love her followership.  Although Katy is very capable of doing everything on her own, she always follows me and supports my decisions as her husband.  We discuss everything and sometimes we agree to disagree.  Knowing that I have her support at the end of the day gives me so much confidence.


3.  I love her friendship.  Katy is my best friend but what I love more is the way she makes friend with others.  She knows everyone and loves meeting new people.  Spend 5 minutes with her and you have a friend for life. 

2.  I love her voice.  Katy always has a song in her heart and is constantly singing.  I love it when her voice wakes me up as she's practicing for singing on Sunday mornings.  Watching her lead worship with such passion makes me proud to be her husband.

1.5  I love her mothering.  Although our son is not yet born, Katy is already doing such a great job as a Mom.  I cannot wait to see her in action when he is born this July.


1.  I love her relationship with Jesus.  Although I am her husband, I know that the #1 man in her life is Jesus Christ.  She is such a Godly woman that speaks life into people, serves, and loves as Jesus did.  As her husband I have the wonderful opportunity to watch Him work through her on a daily basis.  It is a marvelous thing!

There are so many other things I love about you Katy Bradley.  I'll save some for later.  I love you!