8 Questions to Guide Date Night Conversations

My wife and I have scheduled date night every week.  It is typically on Wednesday's but we are flexible.  If you're married or plan to be someday, this is one of the best things we have done as a couple for our marriage.  I highly recommend it.  

As we go out to dinner, we can't help but notice multiple couples and families that are sitting at a restaurant without talking.  The couples/families are on their phones, watching the TV, or sometimes staring off into space totally disengaged.  Or sometimes, one person (usually the wife...but not always) is rambling on and dominating the conversation the entire time.  

We decided that we didn't want to be like those examples.  If we have precious time alone together we want to make sure we are making the most of it.  Here are 8 questions that we have found along the way to help guide our conversations during date night.

1. What have you learned this week?
2. What are your highs and lows for this week?  Or specifically today? 
3. Is there any ways I can lighten your load this week? 
4. How are you doing with your goals/resolutions?  If you don't have any, what are some areas in which you want to grow?
5. Has God been speaking to you or showing you something lately? 
6. What are you most excited about during this upcoming season of our lives?
7. What are you most anxious about for this upcoming season of our lives?
8. How can I pray for you this week?

I like these questions because the answers always change.  You can keep this list on your phone and ask two or three each and every week.  Katy and I usually only get to ask 2 questions because they each spark thought, explanation, and more questions.

Notice that none of these questions are about work, kids, or current events.  It is natural to have conversations about these 3 areas but the goal for date night is for you to talk to and about each other.

Here is deal.  If you've been married, dating, or together for a few years you may have a tendency to think you know everything there is to know about your spouse.  But as humans our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and experiences change.  Stop assuming you know everything about your spouse and ask some questions to get to know one another again.  

Do you have a date night with your spouse?  How do you keep the conversation fresh?

5 Parts of a Great Date

How often do you and your wife go on a date?  With a typical busy American schedule these days I would guess not enough.  Well your schedule isn't going to open up anytime soon so you're going to need to schedule a date and quit waiting for an open evening.  If its been too long, here are the 5 simple steps to planning a date with your wife. 

1.  Research.  You must know your wife.  You have to know what she wants, likes, needs, etc.  Does she like surprises?  Does she need to know ahead of time?  Does she like to dress up or keep it casual?  Does she new experiences or old favorites?  These are all things that you need to learn, relearn, and continue to learn as you pursue her.  Research also includes date, time, childcare, transportation, cost, payment, etc...

2. The Ask. So you've decided on a cool, fun, romantic, date idea.  Great. Now take it to the next level by asking her on a date in a cool, unique, fun, romantic way.  Write a poem or a love note.  Make an invitation.  Leave a note on her mirror, drawer, or pillow.  Hand deliver a hand made card with a sonic drink at work.  Whatever it is, ask her in a way that you do not normally communicate. 

3. The Main Course.  Basically every date revolves around a meal.  This could be breakfast, lunch, or dinner.  Whatever works best for HER schedule. Saturday morning brunch can be just as romantic as Friday night dinner.  The main course also means meaningful conversation.  The best way to have meaningful conversation is to listen more than you talk.  The best way to listen more than you talk is by asking open ended questions.  Here are a few questions that I dare you to ask:  What do you like most about work?  What challenges are you facing at work?  How can I pray for you this week?  Has God been teaching you anything lately?  What are some ways that I can better serve you?  Who have been some spiritual mentors in your life?  What is one way you think I can improve as a father/husband?  As you can see, these questions are meaningful and you better be prepared for the answers.  Your goal is not to justify your actions but to gather information.  Take notes if you need to.

4.  The Activity. All dates should also include doing something other than eating.  The best is a walk in the park, lake, or scenic area.  It could be something she likes to do, has always wanted to do, or has talked about doing.  It should NOT be a movie, play, or other form of entertainment that doesn't allow talking unless you do something after. 

5. The End. The end of the date is equally as important as the beginning.  Recap how you liked spending quality time with her and specifically what you enjoyed about the date.  Take a moment to ask her out again and schedule another date within the next 2 weeks so you will have something to look forward to.  If you want to improve your marriage you are going to have to actively pursue your wife!!!



Whatever you decide to do, Be intentional.  Your date does not have to be fancy or cost a lot of money but it does need to be well thought out.  It is perfectly acceptable to be cheesy.  Ask her in a love note or poem.  Plan a 3 course meal at 3 different locations.  Make her an invitation.  Go on a picnic.  Have a theme.  Whatever it is, it can't be what you normally do.

There are billions of ideas online by simply googling date night ideas but the best ones are the ones that you create. 

Here is a link to a short article about how to talk to your wife on a date. Questions for your wife. 

The time you normally spend on Facebook, checking box scores, reading the news, playing Solitaire or Temple Run, or however your normally waste those short moments of down time, needs to be spent figuring out how you're going to sweep her off of her feet.

The Next Level

Coffee & Pop & POP's

 A few weeks ago I took my wife on an adventure.  I know my wife and I know she likes surprises.  I told her what to pack and when we were leaving.  We woke up, got ready, jumped in the car, and headed toward our destination.  After a few miles I informed her that we were going on a Route 66 Adventure: Experience 66 things on Route 66. 

We stopped at many landmarks, visited historic places, took random pictures, drove through clouds, had great conversations, stayed in a Mansion, ate a gourmet French breakfast, enjoyed local sushi & coffee, got a massage, bought something from a garage sale, visited 2 college campuses, had a quick visit with an old friend, and so much more.

I do not share this with you to boast, but to share with you the art of taking a date to the next level.  Here is what I mean...

Round Barn in Arcadia

Like you, my wife and I have a pretty packed schedule and we could always use some time away.   Fortunately, we live in the education world so we are able to enjoy a fall break.  We had about 36 hours to have fun, relax, and recharge so we couldn't go too far and didn't want to spend much money.  About a month before, I saw a Groupon for a Bed & Breakfast in Tulsa.  It was for a one night stay at the Kennedy Mansion, a couples massage, and a gourmet breakfast.  It was relatively close, reasonably priced, and had the potential of being relaxing and fun so I booked it.

Local Coffee House Favorites

Now this is where most people stop.  They say, "Hey Honey, lets go stay
at a B&B in Tulsa this weekend."  And that would be okay.  If it stopped right here it would be good.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with this you would probably agree that sweet things like this need to happen more often.  However, my college baseball coach, Coach Myers, frequently told us that "Good is the enemy of Great."  So I asked myself, "How can I take a good weekend getaway to the next level and make it a great adventure?"


1.  Know your date. This is the most important aspect.  Whether you have been dating for a month or 30 years, know what they like and don't like.  Listen to what they have been wanting to do.  Make sure this is current because they may have liked it 2, 10, 25 years ago doesn't mean they still do.  I know my wife and I know she likes surprises, road trips, and experiencing new things.

2.  Ask Next Level Questions.  What would make this date better?  You have a destination.  Can you change how to get there?  What is around the destination that you can incorporate into the date?  How much time do you have to spend before or after?  For me it was... "What if we took Route 66 from OKC to Tulsa?  It would take longer but we could stop and take a picture of all the historic landmarks that helped make this area famous.  We can't check in until 3pm so what if we not only visited Route 66 but also famous places in Tulsa as well?  What if we did 66 things on Route 66?  We both like sushi and coffee so what if we visited some of the unique places in Tulsa? I don't have time to come up with 66 things so instead of crossing off 66 things what if we simply experienced 66 things on Route 66 and created our own list and adventure?"

The Golden Driller

3.  Build Excitement.  You have to tell them what you're doing without telling them what you're doing.  For example, I asked my wife about 2 weeks in advance to block out her schedule for an adventure.  Of course she asked questions, but I asked her to trust me.  As it got closer to time I made a packing list, answered any questions I could about clothing, activities, etc so she would not stress.  This is much different from a total surprise of telling them the day before or even day of.  The excitement becomes overshadowed by worrying about this, thinking about that, what to wear, what to pack, etc... if you don't give parameters.


4.  Reveal With Enthusiasm.  There is something to be learned from Extreme Home Makeover.  They don't just make over a home and have the family pull up in the driveway and say "Hey we fixed your home up nice."  The crowd is gathering, excitement is building, the bus is blocking their view, and then everyone screams "MOVE THAT BUS!"  They cry, jump up and down, and hug whoever is closest.  I pulled up a YouTube video of the old song "Get your kicks on Route 66" and played it as a hint.  She guessed a few things and then told her with excitement that we were going to get our kicks by experiencing 66 things on a Route 66 adventure!!  


5.  Be Confident - Sometimes you can't help but be cheesy, sappy, and goofy.  Just admit it, accept it, and go with it.  It is better to be sappy and cheesy in an attempt to be sweet than to not attempt to be sweet.  Plus, worrying about what people think is a gigantic waste of time. 

Praying Hands at ORU in Tulsa

6.  Be Flexible - Things are not always going to go as planned.  You're going to have to keep your eyes open and be ready to call an audible.  Sometimes it will be a complete bomb; just admit it and redeem yourself next time.  Other times it will go 1,000 times better than you ever expected.  For example, Katy and I went to Oral Roberts University to go to the prayer tower.  It didn't open for another hour.  This could have been tragic.  It was something that I really wanted to do.  Rather than being ticked off and pouting all day, I called an audible and we walked around campus and ate lunch in a cafe on campus.  We ended up meeting a Resident Director (same job as Katy) and she had a wonderful conversation with someone from her field at a different college, which rarely happens. 

The great thing about taking a date to the next level is that it is relatively free!  Going from staying at a Bed & Breakfast to going on a Route 66 Adventure only cost a little more gas mileage.    It's not like we bought expensive tickets to a fantastic show or concert, went to a fancy, pricy restaurant, or even went to an over priced movie.  All we did was think, observe, and experience. 

Blue Whale in Catoosa

The next time you take someone on a date, spend a few moments to take it to the next level!