8 Questions to Guide Date Night Conversations

My wife and I have scheduled date night every week.  It is typically on Wednesday's but we are flexible.  If you're married or plan to be someday, this is one of the best things we have done as a couple for our marriage.  I highly recommend it.  

As we go out to dinner, we can't help but notice multiple couples and families that are sitting at a restaurant without talking.  The couples/families are on their phones, watching the TV, or sometimes staring off into space totally disengaged.  Or sometimes, one person (usually the wife...but not always) is rambling on and dominating the conversation the entire time.  

We decided that we didn't want to be like those examples.  If we have precious time alone together we want to make sure we are making the most of it.  Here are 8 questions that we have found along the way to help guide our conversations during date night.

1. What have you learned this week?
2. What are your highs and lows for this week?  Or specifically today? 
3. Is there any ways I can lighten your load this week? 
4. How are you doing with your goals/resolutions?  If you don't have any, what are some areas in which you want to grow?
5. Has God been speaking to you or showing you something lately? 
6. What are you most excited about during this upcoming season of our lives?
7. What are you most anxious about for this upcoming season of our lives?
8. How can I pray for you this week?

I like these questions because the answers always change.  You can keep this list on your phone and ask two or three each and every week.  Katy and I usually only get to ask 2 questions because they each spark thought, explanation, and more questions.

Notice that none of these questions are about work, kids, or current events.  It is natural to have conversations about these 3 areas but the goal for date night is for you to talk to and about each other.

Here is deal.  If you've been married, dating, or together for a few years you may have a tendency to think you know everything there is to know about your spouse.  But as humans our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and experiences change.  Stop assuming you know everything about your spouse and ask some questions to get to know one another again.  

Do you have a date night with your spouse?  How do you keep the conversation fresh?

Love Doesn't Keep Score

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

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As new parents, my wife and I change LOTS of diapers.  Approximately 100 diapers a week! Our son is a peeing machine and he absolutely hates wet diapers.  Whether they are dirty or just wet (more like drenched)  it is easy to want to keep score and think, I changed the last 5 so now it's your turn!

The same could be said for the washing of bottles.  I mean he only eats 6 bottles a day but it seems like bottle washing is never ending.  After a long day's work to come home to a sink filled with bottles I have to fight my first reaction of I just cleaned these bottles yesterday and the 37 days before that!  It's someone else's turn!

I forget.  I forget that Love doesn't keep score.  I forget that Love changes all the diapers in the world because I have the privilege of having a healthy child.  I forget that Love washes bottles every single time because it's to feed a healthy growing boy and help out an amazing Mom that produces the milk that goes in the bottles.

Love doesn't keep track of how many times you take the trash out, vacuum, fold laundry, cook dinner, or wash the car.  Love doesn't point out who makes more, works more, or does more.  Love just does.  Love helps.  Love serves without expecting anything in return.

It is very hard for me not to keep score but now I do it differently.  Now I play to win.  My wife doesn't know that we are playing but I try to see who can change the most diapers, who can wash the most bottles, and who can serve more.  Even though she doesn't know I'm keeping score or that we are even playing, she is still winning!  But in the grand scheme of things there is a lot of time left in the game so I predict a comeback!

Love never fails...we do.  Stop keeping score.  Love doesn't do that.  Make an effort to help and serve as much as you can without expecting anything in return.  



This is the sixth blog post in a series titled Love Never Fails.  This series is based on the premise that Love never fails but we as humans do.  If you haven't already please check out the previous 5 posts on Love by clicking on "Love Never Fails" on the left side of the screen or simply scroll down to view previous posts.  Although this is the sixth post in this series, this topic sparked the entire series.

Love Isn't Selfish

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor other, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is not selfish.  Each of these three traits of love have something in common. Boastful people, prideful people, and self-seeking people consistently put themselves before others.  This comes out in their words, thoughts, and actions.  Their conversations are about them.  Their decisions benefit them.  Even their good deeds ultimately benefit them as they may expect something in return.  Boastful and prideful people are often referred to as cocky, conceited, arrogant, or egotistical.

Love does not boast, is not proud, and is not self-seeking.  You cannot fully and truly love someone if you think you are better than them or if you always put your interests ahead of others.

Here are some reflection questions to ask yourself to see if you're self-seeking in a family setting.

1. Does your family always eat where you want to eat?
2. Do you watch whatever you want to watch on TV?
3. Do you vacation wherever you want to vacation?
4. Do you dominate conversations?
5. Do your hobbies and activities take up more of the household budget than other's hobbies?
6. Is your weekend and free time spent doing what you want to do or what others in your family like to do?
7. Do you talk more than you listen?
8. Do you ask your spouses or kids opinion on decisions that affect the whole family?
9. Do you think your side of the family is better than your spouses side of the family?

If you answered yes to 3 or more of these little issues, chances are they will or maybe already have become a bigger issue.  Love doesn't do any of these things because love doesn't boast, isn't prideful, and isn't self-seeking.

Love never fails...we do.  We have to stop giving love a bad name and start fully loving our families and others.

Love Does Not Envy

This is the third post in a series titled Love Never Fails.  The series is based on the scripture about love in 1 Corinthians Chapter 13.  It is based on the premise that although we have all been heartbroken, lonely, used and abused by people that "love" us, love never actually fails...humans do.  We are the ones that fail because we do not properly and fully love.

Envy is defined as a resentful emotion that occurs when a person lacks another's quality, achievement, or possession and wishes the other lacked it.

After reading that definition it is clear that not only is it true that Love does not envy, it is impossible to both Love and be envious at the same time.  We cannot have a resentful emotion and love at the same time.  We cannot wish that someone else did not have a certain possession, quality, or achievement while still truly loving them.  After all, envy is one of the seven deadly sins (yes it is a sin) and the 10th commandment.

People often confuse admiration and envy as they start out very similar.  If you admire someone you notice a quality that you like.  Perhaps you admire someone's car, clothes, physique, or personality trait.   This is completely normal and I hope that you have people in your life that you admire or look up to.  I believe it is necessary for personal growth.

However, if you're not careful that admiration can quickly turn into envy.  The person that you admired you begin to resent.  You may still admire their physique but you hope they gain some weight because if you can't have the body you want, no one should.  The positive personality you once admired in someone you now wish to make their life miserable because if you aren't happy then you don't want them happy either.

Here is what it can look like in a marriage or serious relationship. You're glad that your husband loves his job.  You wish you loved yours.  After a while, you get sick and tired of how happy he is and what difference he is making while you come home every day lacking purpose and feeling miserable.  Eventually you don't want to hear another word about his stupid fulfilling job because if you hate your job, he should hate his to!

Your wife is a stay at home Mom.  You both decided it was best for your kids so you picked up some extra shifts and/or responsibilities at work to make this financially possible.  After a while, you become envious of your wife's relationship with your kids.  You resent the fact that she gets to stay at home while you are off working extra hard at your job, so much so that you want her to go back to work because if you can't be home and have a great relationship with your kids then she shouldn't get to either!

Or it could even look like this.  Your wife becomes envious of another lady's body.  It bothers her so much that she is determined to look better than her so she joins a gym and begins fanatically working out and going health crazy.  She now works out twice a day and eats like a rabbit for the sole purpose of looking better than this particular lady, putting your marriage and kids on the back burner.  The same can be said of a husband chasing the success of a fellow businessman.

No one would choose to feel this way towards someone that you love.  Envy is not a desirable trait.  But somehow it creeps in over time and if you're not careful, it will keep you from being able to fully love your spouse.  I wonder how many marriages have ended in divorce because of envy?

How do I know if I'm envious?  Well that's a great question and although it is easy to spot in others, it is very hard to see in the mirror.  Start by answering these few questions.

1.  Is there someone that is successful that I want to fail?
2.  Is there someone with a positive trait that I secretly wish they would lose?
3.  In what areas of life am I unhappy?  Am I okay with others being happy in these areas?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions chances are envy is creeping in your heart.

So what can I do about it?  Here are 2 ways to attack envy.

1. Ask God to reveal to you which situations and people you may be the source of your envy.
2.  Pray specifically for those people and the qualities you are envious of on a daily basis.  (It is difficult to wish ill will upon someone you are praying for.)

Do not let envy creep into your marriage or any area of your life.  Love never fails...we do.  Do not fail your spouse or kids and give love a bad name because you allowed yourself to be overcome with envy.

If you found the post helpful or know someone who would please like it on facebook, retweet it on Twitter, or share it with a friend.  Thanks for reading!

The Gap

I have been blessed to be married to my wonderful Bride for just over 5 years!  It has been quite the adventure.  I never knew our life together could be this fun and it seems to keep getting better as the days go by.  Among other things, we enjoy sharing life with our friends.  We are fortunate to get to do this on a regular basis since we still live in the same town where we attended college.  This makes it easy because we already have a connection with everyone that stays around when they graduate.

Unfortunately, we are growing into that life stage where quite a few of our friends are considering divorce.  Just this past week we heard of 3 couples that have separated.  Most of the time it is surprising but sometimes you can see it coming.  The reasons differ.  Adultery, incompatibility, abuse, personality changes, just to name a few.  Regardless of the reason, I would argue that the number one cause of divorce is the gap. (not the store...although I did work there in college and its the only place I buy my jeans)

Disappointment is the gap between expectation and reality.  Here are a few examples:

1.  If you are expecting dinner when you get home from work and the reality is it is not there, you may be disappointed.  

2.  If you are expecting a romantic evening alone with your spouse and reality is you instead have to stay home by yourself and watch the kids while your spouse is out with friends, you may be disappointed.

3.  If you are expecting "relations" on a regular basis and the reality is that it is far from regular, you may become disappointed.  

On their own, each of these issues isn't really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  However, when you begin to internalize it time after time, they can pile up very quickly and that gap becomes bigger and bigger.  Or if you address the issue by nagging or sarcastically commenting each time the gap becomes bigger, trust is lost, and a wall begins to be built.

The best way to combat the gap is by developing open communication and setting clear expectations, both of which take a tremendous amount of trust.  

I believe one of the reasons my wife and I are growing closer each day and not drifting apart is because of our efforts to prevent the gap from existing.  The conversations seemed awkward at first but so does everything the first time you try it.  We called them "lets be real" conversations.  We prepared our answers ahead of time to the following questions:

-Is there anything I have said or done that has made you hurt, upset, embarrassed, or unsupported?  -If so, what could I do differently in the future to make sure it doesn't happen again?

-What do you want me to stop doing, keep doing, and do more of?

The thing about these questions is that you both must agree to answer them ahead of time and you must be willing to genuinely listen to their response without becoming defensive or angry.  At first we agreed to have the conversations on the 13th of every month (our anniversary).  But our conversations went so well that we didn't want to wait a month so we decided to have them every week.  Then, we figured out it was better to just tell the each other (at an appropriate time...not during  a sporting event or while pinteresting) anytime we felt the need.  Currently, we continue to practice this and also discuss expectations for the week, events, caring for our son, or anything else that we have expectations for.  

Here is one example of how it plays out in many different ways.  

Expectation:  I expect to be home from work at 4pm today.

Reality #1: I get home from work at 4pm or earlier.  Everyone is happy.  Trust is built.  No gap.

Reality #2: Something comes up but I know we have discussed our expectation of being home from work at 4 so I know it is important for me to contact Katy to say that although I expected to be home at 4pm it is looking more like 6pm.  I ask if there is anything I can do to make up for this inconvenience?  Expectation is not met but because it was communicated ahead of time the gap is much smaller.

Reality #3: I don't get home until 6pm without any heads up.  Katy is mad because I am 2 hours late, dinner is cold, and I have disrespected her time by not contacting her.  Now I'm mad because I had to stay late at work and come home to an angry, nagging wife who makes sarcastic comments about me always working late and never communicating.  Expectation is not met. Gap is created.  Trust decreased.  Both are genuinely upset about something minor that could have been prevented but since this is the 150th time it causes a yelling match or the silent treatment.

The secret to this concept is that every time expectation and reality are the same, trust is built.  Likewise, each time there is a gap, trust is broken.  You may have previous gaps to close or bridges to build and that is a whole different conversation.  Start today by sitting down with your spouse and developing clear expectations so that trust is built and the gap no longer appears in the first place.

Praying for those that are struggling in their marriage!

GET TO!

In the 6 weeks that I have been a father, there have been a couple of days that Beau has be my solely my responsibility.  One time Katy had a staph infection and another time she had a nasty stomach bug and we wanted to do everything in our power to make sure neither spread to our newborn son.  At first I would have said that I HAD to do everything but after experiencing those days I would say that I GOT to do everything.

On those days I was responsible for every diaper change, feeding, bottle washing, bath time, nap time, wardrobe change, and so much more that I don't even remember because it was such a blur.  Dads usually don't have this opportunity quite so early on.  Then throw on top of that the household chores such as laundry, dishes, cleaning, and cooking and you could say I caught a glimpse into the realm of motherhood and now have a greater understanding and appreciation of the constant care that goes into raising a newborn child.  

The reason I say I GOT to do those things is I was also there for every smile, coo, snuggle, funny face, new sound, crawling attempt, and so much more that I would not have missed for the world! Although I never would have picked these few days of flying solo, I am completely beyond blessed to have experienced them.  More than anything, it made me realize the importance of working together as a team on this parenting thing.  I refuse to passively leave it up to her like so many fathers do these days.

Dads, make the effort to find new ways to help your wife with the kids this week.  Any help will make a difference.  Teamwork makes the dream work!

The Best Way to Improve Your Marriage

What is the best way to improve your marriage?  

A friend of mine recently asked me this question.  First of all, I was flattered that he thought I would even know the answer to that question.  Thankfully, it is a question I have asked many men that I admire as husbands.  I have read books and blogs on marriage, heard sermons and lectures on marriage, and studied the marriages of couples that I admire and respect.  Combining all of that wonderful information, there is one answer that stands out above all the others.  There is one thing that I have seen work in the lives of others and have personally experienced in my own life.  Do you want to know what it is?

Before I tell you, I must say when I first heard the answer I didn't like it.  The answer seems frustrating and impractical.  It seemed totally Sunday School.  However, I can only speak from my experience and say that the answer could not be more true.

The best way to improve your marriage is to improve your relationship with God.  It's a frustrating answer.  I told you it would be.  I mean how can you improve on something by working on something else?  It just doesn't seem logical.  I thought it would be something practical like spend more time together, do nice things for each other, or even something spiritual like pray together.  Nope.  All of those things are good and I highly recommend them but they are all byproducts of pursuing God.

God is Love.  God created Love.  We wouldn't know what Love looked like if it wasn't for God's demonstrations of Love.  Therefore, the more we seek the Creator of Love, the more we will be able to understand what it means to Love and the better we will be able to Love our spouse and improve our marriage.

Want a better relationship with your spouse?  Seek a deeper relationship with God.  I wish I could explain more but you'll just have to experience it for yourself.  I wasn't a believer until my pursuit of God became greater than the pursuit of my wife.  Here are 3 things that strengthened my pursuit of God:

Pray daily that God would fill you with the desire to seek Him.  Although I wanted it, I didn't naturally have the desire to consistently seek God.  I got tired of trying to be disciplined enough and tired of trying to make myself seek God.  After many bouts of frustration I gave up trying to be disciplined and asked God to fill me with the desire to seek Him. 

Read His word consistently.  The Bible is full of Divine Wisdom and the book of Proverbs is a good place to start.  Commit to read a Chapter of Proverbs everyday for a month.  Also, the Bible App youversion.com is available on all smart phones as well as the internet.  There are dozens of plans to help you get started.  Check it out the free Bible app here.

Find your Purpose.  There is an abundance of joy, passion, and peace when you are doing what you are created to do.  Books like The Purpose Driven Life and Chazown are great tools to help discover a greater purpose for your life.  In fact, you can even go through the Chazown Experience online, in a class, or with your small group.  It is a great tool to help discover your purpose.

It is amazing how my relationship with my wife has developed as my relationship with God has developed.  My prayer is that you will have the same experience.

What is the best thing that has improved your marriage?

The Next Level

Coffee & Pop & POP's

 A few weeks ago I took my wife on an adventure.  I know my wife and I know she likes surprises.  I told her what to pack and when we were leaving.  We woke up, got ready, jumped in the car, and headed toward our destination.  After a few miles I informed her that we were going on a Route 66 Adventure: Experience 66 things on Route 66. 

We stopped at many landmarks, visited historic places, took random pictures, drove through clouds, had great conversations, stayed in a Mansion, ate a gourmet French breakfast, enjoyed local sushi & coffee, got a massage, bought something from a garage sale, visited 2 college campuses, had a quick visit with an old friend, and so much more.

I do not share this with you to boast, but to share with you the art of taking a date to the next level.  Here is what I mean...

Round Barn in Arcadia

Like you, my wife and I have a pretty packed schedule and we could always use some time away.   Fortunately, we live in the education world so we are able to enjoy a fall break.  We had about 36 hours to have fun, relax, and recharge so we couldn't go too far and didn't want to spend much money.  About a month before, I saw a Groupon for a Bed & Breakfast in Tulsa.  It was for a one night stay at the Kennedy Mansion, a couples massage, and a gourmet breakfast.  It was relatively close, reasonably priced, and had the potential of being relaxing and fun so I booked it.

Local Coffee House Favorites

Now this is where most people stop.  They say, "Hey Honey, lets go stay
at a B&B in Tulsa this weekend."  And that would be okay.  If it stopped right here it would be good.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with this you would probably agree that sweet things like this need to happen more often.  However, my college baseball coach, Coach Myers, frequently told us that "Good is the enemy of Great."  So I asked myself, "How can I take a good weekend getaway to the next level and make it a great adventure?"


1.  Know your date. This is the most important aspect.  Whether you have been dating for a month or 30 years, know what they like and don't like.  Listen to what they have been wanting to do.  Make sure this is current because they may have liked it 2, 10, 25 years ago doesn't mean they still do.  I know my wife and I know she likes surprises, road trips, and experiencing new things.

2.  Ask Next Level Questions.  What would make this date better?  You have a destination.  Can you change how to get there?  What is around the destination that you can incorporate into the date?  How much time do you have to spend before or after?  For me it was... "What if we took Route 66 from OKC to Tulsa?  It would take longer but we could stop and take a picture of all the historic landmarks that helped make this area famous.  We can't check in until 3pm so what if we not only visited Route 66 but also famous places in Tulsa as well?  What if we did 66 things on Route 66?  We both like sushi and coffee so what if we visited some of the unique places in Tulsa? I don't have time to come up with 66 things so instead of crossing off 66 things what if we simply experienced 66 things on Route 66 and created our own list and adventure?"

The Golden Driller

3.  Build Excitement.  You have to tell them what you're doing without telling them what you're doing.  For example, I asked my wife about 2 weeks in advance to block out her schedule for an adventure.  Of course she asked questions, but I asked her to trust me.  As it got closer to time I made a packing list, answered any questions I could about clothing, activities, etc so she would not stress.  This is much different from a total surprise of telling them the day before or even day of.  The excitement becomes overshadowed by worrying about this, thinking about that, what to wear, what to pack, etc... if you don't give parameters.


4.  Reveal With Enthusiasm.  There is something to be learned from Extreme Home Makeover.  They don't just make over a home and have the family pull up in the driveway and say "Hey we fixed your home up nice."  The crowd is gathering, excitement is building, the bus is blocking their view, and then everyone screams "MOVE THAT BUS!"  They cry, jump up and down, and hug whoever is closest.  I pulled up a YouTube video of the old song "Get your kicks on Route 66" and played it as a hint.  She guessed a few things and then told her with excitement that we were going to get our kicks by experiencing 66 things on a Route 66 adventure!!  


5.  Be Confident - Sometimes you can't help but be cheesy, sappy, and goofy.  Just admit it, accept it, and go with it.  It is better to be sappy and cheesy in an attempt to be sweet than to not attempt to be sweet.  Plus, worrying about what people think is a gigantic waste of time. 

Praying Hands at ORU in Tulsa

6.  Be Flexible - Things are not always going to go as planned.  You're going to have to keep your eyes open and be ready to call an audible.  Sometimes it will be a complete bomb; just admit it and redeem yourself next time.  Other times it will go 1,000 times better than you ever expected.  For example, Katy and I went to Oral Roberts University to go to the prayer tower.  It didn't open for another hour.  This could have been tragic.  It was something that I really wanted to do.  Rather than being ticked off and pouting all day, I called an audible and we walked around campus and ate lunch in a cafe on campus.  We ended up meeting a Resident Director (same job as Katy) and she had a wonderful conversation with someone from her field at a different college, which rarely happens. 

The great thing about taking a date to the next level is that it is relatively free!  Going from staying at a Bed & Breakfast to going on a Route 66 Adventure only cost a little more gas mileage.    It's not like we bought expensive tickets to a fantastic show or concert, went to a fancy, pricy restaurant, or even went to an over priced movie.  All we did was think, observe, and experience. 

Blue Whale in Catoosa

The next time you take someone on a date, spend a few moments to take it to the next level!

I Love My Wife!

To help celebrate my wife Katy's birthday, here are the top 10 reasons I love my wife!

10.  I love her competitive nature.  She was the basketball player that dove for loose balls and never stopped hustling.  Just today she wanted to see if we could clean the bedroom during one commercial just to see if we could.  I love that!

9.  I love her simple nature.  Katy is the opposite of high maintenance.  She is so grateful for everything that she has and does not take anything for granted.

8.  I love her financial discipline.  She does everything she can to save our family money and prepare for the future.  Whether its clipping coupons, buying generic brands, shopping at ROSS & TJ Max, keeping our family budget, or always splitting an entree at restaurants, she is putting her MBA to good use in our family.


7.  I love her encouragement.  Regardless of the situation, Katy always builds me up with her words.  She makes me feel more confident and know I am a better man because of her encouragement.  This isn't reserved just for me.  Katy writes encouraging notes, sends encouraging texts, makes encouraging calls, etc. to as many people as she can and it makes such a difference.


6.  I love her servant's heart.  Katy is always serving someone in some way.  She has an eye for it.  She naturally looks for ways that she can help people and does it without waiting to be asked.  I have never seen someone serve with such a positive attitude.

Courtesy of Michelle Meisner Photograpy

5.  I love her leadership.  I get the opportunity to see Katy to lead many college students at SNU.  She leads by example, always modeling the behavior she expects of her staff.  She is loving but firm, relaxed but serious, sweet but straight-forward.  I learn from her leadership.


4.  I love her followership.  Although Katy is very capable of doing everything on her own, she always follows me and supports my decisions as her husband.  We discuss everything and sometimes we agree to disagree.  Knowing that I have her support at the end of the day gives me so much confidence.


3.  I love her friendship.  Katy is my best friend but what I love more is the way she makes friend with others.  She knows everyone and loves meeting new people.  Spend 5 minutes with her and you have a friend for life. 

2.  I love her voice.  Katy always has a song in her heart and is constantly singing.  I love it when her voice wakes me up as she's practicing for singing on Sunday mornings.  Watching her lead worship with such passion makes me proud to be her husband.

1.5  I love her mothering.  Although our son is not yet born, Katy is already doing such a great job as a Mom.  I cannot wait to see her in action when he is born this July.


1.  I love her relationship with Jesus.  Although I am her husband, I know that the #1 man in her life is Jesus Christ.  She is such a Godly woman that speaks life into people, serves, and loves as Jesus did.  As her husband I have the wonderful opportunity to watch Him work through her on a daily basis.  It is a marvelous thing!

There are so many other things I love about you Katy Bradley.  I'll save some for later.  I love you!