The Gap

I have been blessed to be married to my wonderful Bride for just over 5 years!  It has been quite the adventure.  I never knew our life together could be this fun and it seems to keep getting better as the days go by.  Among other things, we enjoy sharing life with our friends.  We are fortunate to get to do this on a regular basis since we still live in the same town where we attended college.  This makes it easy because we already have a connection with everyone that stays around when they graduate.

Unfortunately, we are growing into that life stage where quite a few of our friends are considering divorce.  Just this past week we heard of 3 couples that have separated.  Most of the time it is surprising but sometimes you can see it coming.  The reasons differ.  Adultery, incompatibility, abuse, personality changes, just to name a few.  Regardless of the reason, I would argue that the number one cause of divorce is the gap. (not the store...although I did work there in college and its the only place I buy my jeans)

Disappointment is the gap between expectation and reality.  Here are a few examples:

1.  If you are expecting dinner when you get home from work and the reality is it is not there, you may be disappointed.  

2.  If you are expecting a romantic evening alone with your spouse and reality is you instead have to stay home by yourself and watch the kids while your spouse is out with friends, you may be disappointed.

3.  If you are expecting "relations" on a regular basis and the reality is that it is far from regular, you may become disappointed.  

On their own, each of these issues isn't really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  However, when you begin to internalize it time after time, they can pile up very quickly and that gap becomes bigger and bigger.  Or if you address the issue by nagging or sarcastically commenting each time the gap becomes bigger, trust is lost, and a wall begins to be built.

The best way to combat the gap is by developing open communication and setting clear expectations, both of which take a tremendous amount of trust.  

I believe one of the reasons my wife and I are growing closer each day and not drifting apart is because of our efforts to prevent the gap from existing.  The conversations seemed awkward at first but so does everything the first time you try it.  We called them "lets be real" conversations.  We prepared our answers ahead of time to the following questions:

-Is there anything I have said or done that has made you hurt, upset, embarrassed, or unsupported?  -If so, what could I do differently in the future to make sure it doesn't happen again?

-What do you want me to stop doing, keep doing, and do more of?

The thing about these questions is that you both must agree to answer them ahead of time and you must be willing to genuinely listen to their response without becoming defensive or angry.  At first we agreed to have the conversations on the 13th of every month (our anniversary).  But our conversations went so well that we didn't want to wait a month so we decided to have them every week.  Then, we figured out it was better to just tell the each other (at an appropriate time...not during  a sporting event or while pinteresting) anytime we felt the need.  Currently, we continue to practice this and also discuss expectations for the week, events, caring for our son, or anything else that we have expectations for.  

Here is one example of how it plays out in many different ways.  

Expectation:  I expect to be home from work at 4pm today.

Reality #1: I get home from work at 4pm or earlier.  Everyone is happy.  Trust is built.  No gap.

Reality #2: Something comes up but I know we have discussed our expectation of being home from work at 4 so I know it is important for me to contact Katy to say that although I expected to be home at 4pm it is looking more like 6pm.  I ask if there is anything I can do to make up for this inconvenience?  Expectation is not met but because it was communicated ahead of time the gap is much smaller.

Reality #3: I don't get home until 6pm without any heads up.  Katy is mad because I am 2 hours late, dinner is cold, and I have disrespected her time by not contacting her.  Now I'm mad because I had to stay late at work and come home to an angry, nagging wife who makes sarcastic comments about me always working late and never communicating.  Expectation is not met. Gap is created.  Trust decreased.  Both are genuinely upset about something minor that could have been prevented but since this is the 150th time it causes a yelling match or the silent treatment.

The secret to this concept is that every time expectation and reality are the same, trust is built.  Likewise, each time there is a gap, trust is broken.  You may have previous gaps to close or bridges to build and that is a whole different conversation.  Start today by sitting down with your spouse and developing clear expectations so that trust is built and the gap no longer appears in the first place.

Praying for those that are struggling in their marriage!