Love Doesn't Keep Score

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

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As new parents, my wife and I change LOTS of diapers.  Approximately 100 diapers a week! Our son is a peeing machine and he absolutely hates wet diapers.  Whether they are dirty or just wet (more like drenched)  it is easy to want to keep score and think, I changed the last 5 so now it's your turn!

The same could be said for the washing of bottles.  I mean he only eats 6 bottles a day but it seems like bottle washing is never ending.  After a long day's work to come home to a sink filled with bottles I have to fight my first reaction of I just cleaned these bottles yesterday and the 37 days before that!  It's someone else's turn!

I forget.  I forget that Love doesn't keep score.  I forget that Love changes all the diapers in the world because I have the privilege of having a healthy child.  I forget that Love washes bottles every single time because it's to feed a healthy growing boy and help out an amazing Mom that produces the milk that goes in the bottles.

Love doesn't keep track of how many times you take the trash out, vacuum, fold laundry, cook dinner, or wash the car.  Love doesn't point out who makes more, works more, or does more.  Love just does.  Love helps.  Love serves without expecting anything in return.

It is very hard for me not to keep score but now I do it differently.  Now I play to win.  My wife doesn't know that we are playing but I try to see who can change the most diapers, who can wash the most bottles, and who can serve more.  Even though she doesn't know I'm keeping score or that we are even playing, she is still winning!  But in the grand scheme of things there is a lot of time left in the game so I predict a comeback!

Love never fails...we do.  Stop keeping score.  Love doesn't do that.  Make an effort to help and serve as much as you can without expecting anything in return.  



This is the sixth blog post in a series titled Love Never Fails.  This series is based on the premise that Love never fails but we as humans do.  If you haven't already please check out the previous 5 posts on Love by clicking on "Love Never Fails" on the left side of the screen or simply scroll down to view previous posts.  Although this is the sixth post in this series, this topic sparked the entire series.

Love Isn't Easily Angered

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is not easily angered.  

Notice how it doesn't say love is never angry.  It says love isn't easily angered. Anger doesn't have to be a bad thing.  Some great things have come from angry people like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, Martin Luther, and the maker TOMS shoes.  These people aren't remembered for their anger, but rather what they did with it.  Dr. King used his anger to fight for equal rights, Martin Luther used his anger to start the Protestant Church, and the maker of TOMS shoes has given hundreds of thousands of shoes to kids that are normally barefoot.

For me personally, I'm pretty cool, calm, and collected.  I'm pretty laid back, don't get mad about much and I do my best to never overreact.  But when I hear stories about husbands and fathers that are either mistreating their wives or kids or simply not stepping up and leading their families it infuriates me!  Passive husbands that don't passionately love and pursue their wives and absent fathers that leave single moms, schools, churches, peers, and TV to raise their kids because they aren't man enough to take responsibility absolutely make my blood boil!  (My heart rate is going up as I type this!)  Instead of telling these men what I think about them or trying to pick a fight with them, I use my anger to write this blog about what I am learning in the areas of husbandry and fatherhood.  I teach a class at church about how to become men of courage.  I make every effort to model for my high school students at school what it looks like to be a husband and a father.  And with each negative story I hear about a failing father or husband it refuels my passion for my wife and son that much more.  (Okay.  That was a rant.  Deep breath.)

Unfortunately many people use their anger to hurt others, to belittle, to feel powerful, or to break relationships.  It's pretty obvious that love doesn't do any of those things.  Love isn't disrespectful.  Love doesn't cuss people out.  Love doesn't give the bird in traffic.  Love isn't rude to people over the phone...even to customer service.  Love doesn't physically or verbally abuse.  Love doesn't intimidate or harass.  Yet people do these things every single day to people, even people that they say they "love".  No wonder people don't know what true love is.

Love listens and responds respectfully.  Love thinks before it speaks or acts.  Love is approachable, understanding, and welcoming.  Love may get angry but it uses anger to make a positive difference in the world.

Love never fails...we as people do.

What makes you angry?  How do you use your anger?

Love Isn't Selfish

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor other, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is not selfish.  Each of these three traits of love have something in common. Boastful people, prideful people, and self-seeking people consistently put themselves before others.  This comes out in their words, thoughts, and actions.  Their conversations are about them.  Their decisions benefit them.  Even their good deeds ultimately benefit them as they may expect something in return.  Boastful and prideful people are often referred to as cocky, conceited, arrogant, or egotistical.

Love does not boast, is not proud, and is not self-seeking.  You cannot fully and truly love someone if you think you are better than them or if you always put your interests ahead of others.

Here are some reflection questions to ask yourself to see if you're self-seeking in a family setting.

1. Does your family always eat where you want to eat?
2. Do you watch whatever you want to watch on TV?
3. Do you vacation wherever you want to vacation?
4. Do you dominate conversations?
5. Do your hobbies and activities take up more of the household budget than other's hobbies?
6. Is your weekend and free time spent doing what you want to do or what others in your family like to do?
7. Do you talk more than you listen?
8. Do you ask your spouses or kids opinion on decisions that affect the whole family?
9. Do you think your side of the family is better than your spouses side of the family?

If you answered yes to 3 or more of these little issues, chances are they will or maybe already have become a bigger issue.  Love doesn't do any of these things because love doesn't boast, isn't prideful, and isn't self-seeking.

Love never fails...we do.  We have to stop giving love a bad name and start fully loving our families and others.

Love Does Not Envy

This is the third post in a series titled Love Never Fails.  The series is based on the scripture about love in 1 Corinthians Chapter 13.  It is based on the premise that although we have all been heartbroken, lonely, used and abused by people that "love" us, love never actually fails...humans do.  We are the ones that fail because we do not properly and fully love.

Envy is defined as a resentful emotion that occurs when a person lacks another's quality, achievement, or possession and wishes the other lacked it.

After reading that definition it is clear that not only is it true that Love does not envy, it is impossible to both Love and be envious at the same time.  We cannot have a resentful emotion and love at the same time.  We cannot wish that someone else did not have a certain possession, quality, or achievement while still truly loving them.  After all, envy is one of the seven deadly sins (yes it is a sin) and the 10th commandment.

People often confuse admiration and envy as they start out very similar.  If you admire someone you notice a quality that you like.  Perhaps you admire someone's car, clothes, physique, or personality trait.   This is completely normal and I hope that you have people in your life that you admire or look up to.  I believe it is necessary for personal growth.

However, if you're not careful that admiration can quickly turn into envy.  The person that you admired you begin to resent.  You may still admire their physique but you hope they gain some weight because if you can't have the body you want, no one should.  The positive personality you once admired in someone you now wish to make their life miserable because if you aren't happy then you don't want them happy either.

Here is what it can look like in a marriage or serious relationship. You're glad that your husband loves his job.  You wish you loved yours.  After a while, you get sick and tired of how happy he is and what difference he is making while you come home every day lacking purpose and feeling miserable.  Eventually you don't want to hear another word about his stupid fulfilling job because if you hate your job, he should hate his to!

Your wife is a stay at home Mom.  You both decided it was best for your kids so you picked up some extra shifts and/or responsibilities at work to make this financially possible.  After a while, you become envious of your wife's relationship with your kids.  You resent the fact that she gets to stay at home while you are off working extra hard at your job, so much so that you want her to go back to work because if you can't be home and have a great relationship with your kids then she shouldn't get to either!

Or it could even look like this.  Your wife becomes envious of another lady's body.  It bothers her so much that she is determined to look better than her so she joins a gym and begins fanatically working out and going health crazy.  She now works out twice a day and eats like a rabbit for the sole purpose of looking better than this particular lady, putting your marriage and kids on the back burner.  The same can be said of a husband chasing the success of a fellow businessman.

No one would choose to feel this way towards someone that you love.  Envy is not a desirable trait.  But somehow it creeps in over time and if you're not careful, it will keep you from being able to fully love your spouse.  I wonder how many marriages have ended in divorce because of envy?

How do I know if I'm envious?  Well that's a great question and although it is easy to spot in others, it is very hard to see in the mirror.  Start by answering these few questions.

1.  Is there someone that is successful that I want to fail?
2.  Is there someone with a positive trait that I secretly wish they would lose?
3.  In what areas of life am I unhappy?  Am I okay with others being happy in these areas?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions chances are envy is creeping in your heart.

So what can I do about it?  Here are 2 ways to attack envy.

1. Ask God to reveal to you which situations and people you may be the source of your envy.
2.  Pray specifically for those people and the qualities you are envious of on a daily basis.  (It is difficult to wish ill will upon someone you are praying for.)

Do not let envy creep into your marriage or any area of your life.  Love never fails...we do.  Do not fail your spouse or kids and give love a bad name because you allowed yourself to be overcome with envy.

If you found the post helpful or know someone who would please like it on facebook, retweet it on Twitter, or share it with a friend.  Thanks for reading!

Love Is Patient

This is the second post in a series of blogs based on 1 Corinthians Chapter 13.  It is based on the premise that love never fails but we do.  The good news is that we are given a list of best practices on how to love so that we stop giving love a bad name.

"Love is patient, love is kind."

Are you patient?  When your husband gets home late from work or your wife is late getting dressed and ready do you display patience or annoyance?  When you are trying to teach your kids to be potty-trained, how to behave, or how to speak respectfully do you do so with patience or frustration?  When the line is long at Wal-Mart because the cashier is waiting on a price check, when traffic on I-35 is backed up because some selfish numskull decides to wait until the last minute to merge right even though there have been warning signs for miles, or when your students keep asking you the same questions even though you have already explained the instructions dozens of times, are you patient?

If not, that isn't love because love is patient.  Not only do our actions have to show it but our facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice must reflect that of patience in order to truly display love.

You might be thinking to yourself, I'm not trying to love the cashier at Wal-Mart or the crazy drivers on the constant work zone known as I-35.  I'm not going to play the Golden Rule card here but I will say that practice makes perfect.  The more opportunities you get to display patience, the more patient you will become and can be to those you love.

Kindness falls right in line with patience.  Chances are if you are patient you are also kind.  Inversely, unkind people are typically impatient people.  Kindness and patience go hand in hand and like patience, kindness shows up in facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language.  Again, if you aren't displaying patience or kindness then you aren't displaying love.  You are failing in love and love is getting a bad name.

Here are a few tips that have helped me become more patient.  *Disclaimer:  These tips only work if you actually try them.

1. Ask multiple close friends, family, and co-workers if people would consider you to be an impatient person.  (If you don't like their answer, use this as an opportunity to display patience.)

2. Pray and ask God for opportunities to practice being patient.  (You will get plenty of them.)

3. When sensing the urge to become impatient, think of something that this situation is making possible.      Example...Traffic can mean more quality time with family, ability to make some phone calls (hands free of course), time to jam out to some tunes or enjoy an audiobook.

4. Ask your friends, family, or co-workers to kindly tell you when you are becoming impatient so you can develop new habits.

5. Enjoy some quiet with no distractions.  Practice patience for 10 minutes on your porch, in your car at lunch, or in your favorite chair without technology, people, or other distractions.

6.  Comment on others when you see them displaying patience to remind you of the habit you want to develop.

Love never fails...we do.  We cannot truly and correctly love if we choose not to be patient.  The only way for us to get better at loving is by practicing love and all of its characteristics.  Practice patience and begin to thrive in the area of love.

If this post challenged you in the area of patience or you think it would be helpful for someone else to read, please like it or share it on facebook or retweet on Twitter.  Thanks!

How have you learned to grow in the areas of patience and kindness?

Love Never Fails

This is one of the most popular scriptures in the Bible. I think people like it because it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.  All or parts of this scripture can be heard in wedding ceremonies, seen in home decor, found all over Pinterest, and even tattooed on some folks.  

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor other, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I hate to be the one that brings this up but love fails all the time.  Just ask nearly half of the people that hear that scripture at their wedding only to end up in divorce.  Ask anyone that has experienced heartbreak for one reason or another and they will certainly tell you that love does in fact fail.  Find anyone that is lonely, depressed, unforgiven, outcast, or oppressed and ask them if love ever fails.  I can speak from past experience of not being able to eat or sleep because love failed.

So what's the problem?  If the Bible says that love never fails and the Beatles say that all you need is love then how does love keep messing up?

Well, it doesn't.  Love doesn't mess up.  We do.  Love can't be right or wrong as it has no ability to make decisions.  Just like Bon Jovi said, "you (and I) give love a bad name."  Love isn't impatient, unkind, envious, boastful, dishonoring, or selfish.  But you and I can be.  Love doesn't get mad easily, keep record of wrongs, or delight in evil.  But you and I can do those things without even thinking about it due to our human nature.  In this case, it would be appropriate to be mad at the messenger because the message of love has never changed.

We need to stop putting the blame on love and start taking responsibility for our actions.  In the paraphrased words of Clint Black, "Love isn't something that we're in or a place that we fall.  Love is something that we do."  You "fell" in love because you put forth effort to pursue your mate.  You "fell" out of love because the newness wore off and you stopped pursuing them and made efforts elsewhere.   Love is simply an innocent bystander.

Well if love is something that we do, then how do we do it?  That is a great question and the answer can be found right there in the scripture.  Scroll back up and read it again.

In an attempt to help husbands, wives, friends, and families better love each other I would like to write a series of posts with some practical ways to display love based on the biblical principles in 1 Corinthians 13.  If you find it helpful, please like it on Facebook, retweet it on Twitter, or share it however you like.

Love never fails...we do!