Love Isn't Selfish

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor other, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is not selfish.  Each of these three traits of love have something in common. Boastful people, prideful people, and self-seeking people consistently put themselves before others.  This comes out in their words, thoughts, and actions.  Their conversations are about them.  Their decisions benefit them.  Even their good deeds ultimately benefit them as they may expect something in return.  Boastful and prideful people are often referred to as cocky, conceited, arrogant, or egotistical.

Love does not boast, is not proud, and is not self-seeking.  You cannot fully and truly love someone if you think you are better than them or if you always put your interests ahead of others.

Here are some reflection questions to ask yourself to see if you're self-seeking in a family setting.

1. Does your family always eat where you want to eat?
2. Do you watch whatever you want to watch on TV?
3. Do you vacation wherever you want to vacation?
4. Do you dominate conversations?
5. Do your hobbies and activities take up more of the household budget than other's hobbies?
6. Is your weekend and free time spent doing what you want to do or what others in your family like to do?
7. Do you talk more than you listen?
8. Do you ask your spouses or kids opinion on decisions that affect the whole family?
9. Do you think your side of the family is better than your spouses side of the family?

If you answered yes to 3 or more of these little issues, chances are they will or maybe already have become a bigger issue.  Love doesn't do any of these things because love doesn't boast, isn't prideful, and isn't self-seeking.

Love never fails...we do.  We have to stop giving love a bad name and start fully loving our families and others.

Love Does Not Envy

This is the third post in a series titled Love Never Fails.  The series is based on the scripture about love in 1 Corinthians Chapter 13.  It is based on the premise that although we have all been heartbroken, lonely, used and abused by people that "love" us, love never actually fails...humans do.  We are the ones that fail because we do not properly and fully love.

Envy is defined as a resentful emotion that occurs when a person lacks another's quality, achievement, or possession and wishes the other lacked it.

After reading that definition it is clear that not only is it true that Love does not envy, it is impossible to both Love and be envious at the same time.  We cannot have a resentful emotion and love at the same time.  We cannot wish that someone else did not have a certain possession, quality, or achievement while still truly loving them.  After all, envy is one of the seven deadly sins (yes it is a sin) and the 10th commandment.

People often confuse admiration and envy as they start out very similar.  If you admire someone you notice a quality that you like.  Perhaps you admire someone's car, clothes, physique, or personality trait.   This is completely normal and I hope that you have people in your life that you admire or look up to.  I believe it is necessary for personal growth.

However, if you're not careful that admiration can quickly turn into envy.  The person that you admired you begin to resent.  You may still admire their physique but you hope they gain some weight because if you can't have the body you want, no one should.  The positive personality you once admired in someone you now wish to make their life miserable because if you aren't happy then you don't want them happy either.

Here is what it can look like in a marriage or serious relationship. You're glad that your husband loves his job.  You wish you loved yours.  After a while, you get sick and tired of how happy he is and what difference he is making while you come home every day lacking purpose and feeling miserable.  Eventually you don't want to hear another word about his stupid fulfilling job because if you hate your job, he should hate his to!

Your wife is a stay at home Mom.  You both decided it was best for your kids so you picked up some extra shifts and/or responsibilities at work to make this financially possible.  After a while, you become envious of your wife's relationship with your kids.  You resent the fact that she gets to stay at home while you are off working extra hard at your job, so much so that you want her to go back to work because if you can't be home and have a great relationship with your kids then she shouldn't get to either!

Or it could even look like this.  Your wife becomes envious of another lady's body.  It bothers her so much that she is determined to look better than her so she joins a gym and begins fanatically working out and going health crazy.  She now works out twice a day and eats like a rabbit for the sole purpose of looking better than this particular lady, putting your marriage and kids on the back burner.  The same can be said of a husband chasing the success of a fellow businessman.

No one would choose to feel this way towards someone that you love.  Envy is not a desirable trait.  But somehow it creeps in over time and if you're not careful, it will keep you from being able to fully love your spouse.  I wonder how many marriages have ended in divorce because of envy?

How do I know if I'm envious?  Well that's a great question and although it is easy to spot in others, it is very hard to see in the mirror.  Start by answering these few questions.

1.  Is there someone that is successful that I want to fail?
2.  Is there someone with a positive trait that I secretly wish they would lose?
3.  In what areas of life am I unhappy?  Am I okay with others being happy in these areas?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions chances are envy is creeping in your heart.

So what can I do about it?  Here are 2 ways to attack envy.

1. Ask God to reveal to you which situations and people you may be the source of your envy.
2.  Pray specifically for those people and the qualities you are envious of on a daily basis.  (It is difficult to wish ill will upon someone you are praying for.)

Do not let envy creep into your marriage or any area of your life.  Love never fails...we do.  Do not fail your spouse or kids and give love a bad name because you allowed yourself to be overcome with envy.

If you found the post helpful or know someone who would please like it on facebook, retweet it on Twitter, or share it with a friend.  Thanks for reading!

The Gap

I have been blessed to be married to my wonderful Bride for just over 5 years!  It has been quite the adventure.  I never knew our life together could be this fun and it seems to keep getting better as the days go by.  Among other things, we enjoy sharing life with our friends.  We are fortunate to get to do this on a regular basis since we still live in the same town where we attended college.  This makes it easy because we already have a connection with everyone that stays around when they graduate.

Unfortunately, we are growing into that life stage where quite a few of our friends are considering divorce.  Just this past week we heard of 3 couples that have separated.  Most of the time it is surprising but sometimes you can see it coming.  The reasons differ.  Adultery, incompatibility, abuse, personality changes, just to name a few.  Regardless of the reason, I would argue that the number one cause of divorce is the gap. (not the store...although I did work there in college and its the only place I buy my jeans)

Disappointment is the gap between expectation and reality.  Here are a few examples:

1.  If you are expecting dinner when you get home from work and the reality is it is not there, you may be disappointed.  

2.  If you are expecting a romantic evening alone with your spouse and reality is you instead have to stay home by yourself and watch the kids while your spouse is out with friends, you may be disappointed.

3.  If you are expecting "relations" on a regular basis and the reality is that it is far from regular, you may become disappointed.  

On their own, each of these issues isn't really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  However, when you begin to internalize it time after time, they can pile up very quickly and that gap becomes bigger and bigger.  Or if you address the issue by nagging or sarcastically commenting each time the gap becomes bigger, trust is lost, and a wall begins to be built.

The best way to combat the gap is by developing open communication and setting clear expectations, both of which take a tremendous amount of trust.  

I believe one of the reasons my wife and I are growing closer each day and not drifting apart is because of our efforts to prevent the gap from existing.  The conversations seemed awkward at first but so does everything the first time you try it.  We called them "lets be real" conversations.  We prepared our answers ahead of time to the following questions:

-Is there anything I have said or done that has made you hurt, upset, embarrassed, or unsupported?  -If so, what could I do differently in the future to make sure it doesn't happen again?

-What do you want me to stop doing, keep doing, and do more of?

The thing about these questions is that you both must agree to answer them ahead of time and you must be willing to genuinely listen to their response without becoming defensive or angry.  At first we agreed to have the conversations on the 13th of every month (our anniversary).  But our conversations went so well that we didn't want to wait a month so we decided to have them every week.  Then, we figured out it was better to just tell the each other (at an appropriate time...not during  a sporting event or while pinteresting) anytime we felt the need.  Currently, we continue to practice this and also discuss expectations for the week, events, caring for our son, or anything else that we have expectations for.  

Here is one example of how it plays out in many different ways.  

Expectation:  I expect to be home from work at 4pm today.

Reality #1: I get home from work at 4pm or earlier.  Everyone is happy.  Trust is built.  No gap.

Reality #2: Something comes up but I know we have discussed our expectation of being home from work at 4 so I know it is important for me to contact Katy to say that although I expected to be home at 4pm it is looking more like 6pm.  I ask if there is anything I can do to make up for this inconvenience?  Expectation is not met but because it was communicated ahead of time the gap is much smaller.

Reality #3: I don't get home until 6pm without any heads up.  Katy is mad because I am 2 hours late, dinner is cold, and I have disrespected her time by not contacting her.  Now I'm mad because I had to stay late at work and come home to an angry, nagging wife who makes sarcastic comments about me always working late and never communicating.  Expectation is not met. Gap is created.  Trust decreased.  Both are genuinely upset about something minor that could have been prevented but since this is the 150th time it causes a yelling match or the silent treatment.

The secret to this concept is that every time expectation and reality are the same, trust is built.  Likewise, each time there is a gap, trust is broken.  You may have previous gaps to close or bridges to build and that is a whole different conversation.  Start today by sitting down with your spouse and developing clear expectations so that trust is built and the gap no longer appears in the first place.

Praying for those that are struggling in their marriage!